Hope and Suffering

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces endurance, endurance character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:2b-5
Hope and suffering - so connected. It is interesting that Paul does not link suffering and blessing. I have been taught that if you work hard and sacrifice, good will come to you; after you have suffered you will be blessed. But Paul says nothing about good, pointing out the progression of growth into hope - hope of an eternity spent with God. It just isn't about the stuff of this world.
I would like to rejoice in my sufferings knowing the growth they bring - someday....

Today at church we remembered those who had given their lives for this country. We also remembered those members of the church who had died in the past year. There were three - after each name was read, the church bell rang. My dad's was the last name read. then we could come to the front and light a candle remembering a loved one who had died. I haven't had many opportunities to grieve my dad. It was good to sit with his death, miss him, remember him, and hear the bell ring.

God owes me

"God owes me" - those words in a devotional struck me this morning. Do I think God owes me? Last year was a particularly challenging year for me. The death of my mother-in-law in October 2008 reopened some deep wounds. I had done a lot of grief work but this was different. The response was physical. My body was telling me there was more work to do. I wrestled with God in some deep places, asked hard questions, sat with God seeking his face and presence in all of the pain. I finally found peace and acceptance of my story. I discovered rationalizing and surrendering are two different things. It was as I surrendered to God that the losses and sorrows did not need to make sense. It was difficult and exhausting work. On January 1, 2010, I was relieved to begin a new year. I was looking forward to some ease and a break from the hard work of the past few years. "God owed me." I didn't use those exact words but set before God my idea of the ideal year. I wanted my prayers answered, life to be smooth, houses to sell, cars to run, jobs for those who needed them, healing for the sick, no more crazy stock market stuff - just one year of no struggles, no hassles, no pain. In my naivete, I thought that would be good for me. I needed a rest.
But the year has not gone as wished. I forgot Jesus' words to his disciples, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" (Jn 16:33) I have let go of my dream of a trouble free year - with some reluctance. I am holding on to the One who promises to be with me and love me forever. Emmanuel.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus; look full in his wonderful face; and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.

The struggles and troubles are all around me - I am just looking at all of it differently.

Help!

Psalm 77:1-2
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.

In the dark of the night, the psalmist wonders has God vanished? Has God rejected me? Has God forgotten? In the dark, it is easy fro me to wonder where God is and if he has abandonned me. The psalmist thinks back and remembers how God has acted in the past. I remember God's faithfulness, love and His never failing presence. Often it is music that triggers the remembering. I listen to my favorite Christian songs as I walk each morning and am reminded of who God is and of His love and faithfulness. The dark fades and the dawn of light brings hope and a new sense of God's presence.

Help has come in many ways:
a nurse at the Dr's office who heard the concern in my voice
the Dr who suggested help from hospice
a late night text letting me know a friend is praying
coffee with my Minnesota pastor
this blog that allows us to link arms and journey together as we share our stories
cooler weather and less humidity!
God hears me and is quick to answer my cry for help. I am thankful for how He has used each of you to lift my spirits and bring me hope.

May 24, 2010

Confusion
I think if there weren't so many parts and pieces to this, I might not feel so overwhelmed. My mom gets so confused. I am not sure what is grief, what is cancer, what is dementia and even what else might be going on. She gets very anxious and that doesn't help. I just want to know how to help but it is hard when I am not even sure what will help.

"Hear me, Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy." Ps 86:1
I cannot remember when I have felt so needy - not sure what to do, not even sure what I need let alone what my mom needs.

"Bring joy to your servant, O Lord, I lift up my soul." Ps 86:4
Yes, help me find joy in the midst of this difficult time. Help me to be aware of your presence, your love, your grace.

"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;" Ps 86:11
I don't know the way through this and am relying on God to show me the way. I just am so used to having a map and being in control. This day to day trusting is unsettling!!

May 23, 2010

I am not a writer. I process life verbally. I talk and talk and as I talk, life makes sense. So how is it I find myself far from those I talk with over coffee or a beer, sitting alone with pen and journal? What is God up to? That seems to be the question of the day - everyday. I have no answer. I am walking a path I have never walked before. I do not know what each day with my mom will bring. As much as I have been seeking to walk hand in hand with God, I have let these challenging circumstances distance me from God. God is out there doing stuff and I am here trying to figure out what He is doing. time to stop analyzing and trying to "fix" things and get back in step with God.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10