"God owes me" - those words in a devotional struck me this morning. Do I think God owes me? Last year was a particularly challenging year for me. The death of my mother-in-law in October 2008 reopened some deep wounds. I had done a lot of grief work but this was different. The response was physical. My body was telling me there was more work to do. I wrestled with God in some deep places, asked hard questions, sat with God seeking his face and presence in all of the pain. I finally found peace and acceptance of my story. I discovered rationalizing and surrendering are two different things. It was as I surrendered to God that the losses and sorrows did not need to make sense. It was difficult and exhausting work. On January 1, 2010, I was relieved to begin a new year. I was looking forward to some ease and a break from the hard work of the past few years. "God owed me." I didn't use those exact words but set before God my idea of the ideal year. I wanted my prayers answered, life to be smooth, houses to sell, cars to run, jobs for those who needed them, healing for the sick, no more crazy stock market stuff - just one year of no struggles, no hassles, no pain. In my naivete, I thought that would be good for me. I needed a rest.
But the year has not gone as wished. I forgot Jesus' words to his disciples, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" (Jn 16:33) I have let go of my dream of a trouble free year - with some reluctance. I am holding on to the One who promises to be with me and love me forever. Emmanuel.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus; look full in his wonderful face; and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.
The struggles and troubles are all around me - I am just looking at all of it differently.
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