Clock and Chaos and Confusion

It has been awhile since I have written anything. Last Thursday evening I noticed the grandfather clock had stopped. I have been careful to wind it regularly and keep it chiming the hours. It is a comforting sound once you get used to it! It had stopped at 8:30 and it is easier to start it again at the same time so I planned to restart Friday morning. It was sometime on Saturday when I finally got to the clock. Thursday night I was on my own with mom and really had trouble changing her and putting dry sheets back on the bed. Friday morning I was up early to get her cleaned up and ready as her college roommate was coming to see her. After 45 minutes of struggling with wet sheets, wet pajamas and trying to get mom dry and repositioned, I dissolved into tears. This part of care giving was going to be my downfall. I quickly called the Hospice line for help. Barb the aid was there within 30 minutes. I helped her change the sheets, reposition mom and brought her what she needed as she bathed mom. I found a tee shirt I could cut up the back and before long mom was resting comfortably in her bed. I was instructed to reposition her every 20 or so minutes. Even that proved to be a challenge for me. After her friend from Carleton left. I turned mom onto her right side so she could look at a beautiful flower arrangement that had just come. She opened her eyes and smiled. Another friend came by to visit her. He and I chatted briefly and he went back into mom's room to say goodbye. He came right back to get me and by the time I got into mom's room, she had taken her last breath. After a few words and kisses, once again I dissolved into tears. Life is a blur since that moment. My sister arrived on Sunday and we started cleaning out. I had thought there would be some time to process all of this but that will have to wait because there is work to be done. Closets to clean, bowls, baskets, and books to find homes for, artwork to find new walls for and so much stuff to sort through. The condo will be sold and the sooner we get it ready to be listed the better. So life is spinning around me and I am weary and confused, waiting for those quiet moments when I can reflect on the last five months.