Change

Just when I posted "A Typical Day" everything changed!! Part of the change was the arrival of my daughter Sara for a week. I have thoroughly enjoyed her company. We checked out the craziness of Lumberjack Days in downtown Stillwater. we watched the lumberjack demonstration and caught the parade on sunday afternoon. We watched the fireworks on Sunday night with mom sitting on the balcony of the condo. It has been wonderful to have someone to do things with as well as help with mom. There has been alot of change in mom. Friday was her last day where she was really attentive. Monday we started using the wheelchair to move her from place to place. She no longer has the strength to use her walker. She has stopped eating and drinks just a little. She wants to do things for herself and gets frustrated when she can't. So I ask what she needs and then I wait until she is ready to get to the bathroom or go from the hospital bed in the living room back to her bedroom. It is exhausting. I have a few people I can call when I need a break but for now will postpone the walking and yoga. I have a strong sense of God's presence and encouragement during this difficult time. He will give me the patience, wisdom, energy and compassion I need for each day.

A Typical Day

An average day around here - although there aren't any average days!!
I get up around 6:30 and put on my tennies, grab my IPod and walk the steps!!
When I return, I check on mom and see if she needs breakfast, water, etc.
A few pushups, situps and some stretching and then a shower!
Check on mom again - morning pills, water, and sometimes a cinnamon roll. She loves these mini-rolls from Kowalski's.
Breakfast for me and quiet time - read my Bible, devotionals, prayer, jouranl, as much as time allows!!
Check on mom - she is usually napping but may need her dish of Chocolate Cheerios refilled. she goes through a box every four days!!
I read - the paper, books, whatever is around!!
Lunch - used to be in the dining room or living room but mom is having lunch in bed now, so I get her whatever she wants and I eat on the balcony if it isn't too hot.
Sometimes I run to the store or to the farmer's market , otherwise I read or catch up on email!
5:00 - time for the news. If mom is feeling good she comes out to her chair and has a glass of wine and some cheese and crackers while we watch the news. I put together something for dinner - not much as mom isn't a big eater.
We have dinner on the balcony and watch for the paddlewheelers to go by. Then mom is ready for a rest in her bed.
I get her up to watch TV or a movie - we watched "My Fair Lady" last night. It is her favorite movie. It is a long one!! I get her to take her pills while she is up.
Then off to bed.
The only variations are when a nurse comes to visit or the aid Barb comes on Mondays for a shower. Thursdays I go to the women's group at church and Sundays I go to church. I sneak away for yoga or walks downtown when I can. I found a wonderful path through a ravine right in town yesterday that connects with a path around a small lake. Lots of discovering to do in this small town!
If your life is a bit hectic, you are welcome to come for a visit and slow down with me!

Just Living

On Thursday mornings, I join a group of women from the church for a time of fellowship. We meet at a park right next to the gardens and labyrinth that belong to the church. We begin by sharing how our week has been. we hear about travels, weekends at the cabin, visits from friends and family, good days and bad days. It is a time where we can honestly share what is going on in us. These women are a BIG blessing in my life. They listen encourage, share themselves with me and allow me a place where I can be real. One of the women no longer drives and is slowing down quite a bit. Her daughter has brought her several times this summer. They arrive after we have started. (It must take more time to get up and ready. I can appreciate that.) this woman doesn't want to interrupt and waits until we get to the devotional part. Last week we insisted that she "check in". she wasn't sure what we were asking. I asked, "so how was your week? What have you been doing?" Her eyes smiled at me as she answered, "Just living." I looked at the grass, trees and flowers around me and let her words sink in. The conversation continued. I was still wondering about "just living". It is reality - focusing on the now, using energy to just live each day. The temptation for me is to want more - more for her, more for my mom, more for me - more than my daily bread, for life to be more, bigger, somehow different than this quiet, living in the moment, "just living" I am doing with my mom. I am seeking the contentment of "just living".

The Fight

Many angels and good Samaritans have stopped by in the past few days. I don't know if it because I stopped trying to be in control or if I am receiving help in a new way but I sense a shift. I have continued to try and figure out what it is I am fighting against. For quite some time I have recognized that what I have been taught to value and what God values is different. The discovery of what God values has been and continues to be a surprising journey. The struggle is to let go of my values of performance, accomplishment and busyness and to embrace God's values of relationship and being with. As much as I understand this intellectually, the old value system is deeply ingrained in me. I am struggling to believe that I don't have to be busy and productive to earn God's approval. I recently copied the Westminster Shorter Catechism into my journal. But I changed the words without thinking! I wrote, " The chief end of man is to glorify God and serve Him forever." However the word is enjoy not serve! It was only in rereading my journal that I caught the mistake. That is how deep this work/productivity value is buried in me. I have been trying to make this time with my mom something that I could measure. This is what I did today. I have been making myself crazy and frustrated because my days can't be measured. Because my worth is tied up into all of this, at the end of the day I struggle with being lovable. In my head I know God loves me but this is about a deep knowing that I am loved unconditionally. That is the battle I am trying to give up - to let go of the need to produce, to move from the doing of life deeper into being. I am a slow learner!!
My inspiration: "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." Philippians 3:7-9

Weary

Before I enter my journal from today - remember this is my journal. It is raw and honest about what is going on and how I am feeling. I am okay and secure in the arms of my loving God.

I give up. Uncle. Enough. The struggles of the week, four months away from home, the loneliness, self doubt, and frustrations were too much to carry. The Good Samaritan. That's what I need. I am bruised and broken left in a ditch to die. Where is the help? But could I leave it there and just wait for help. No. I began to overanalyze why I found myself in this predicament. I wondered what I was doing wrong that no help seemed to come my way. Maybe I had misunderstood God in the first place. The doubt crept in. I was too tired and lonely to really care anymore. All my efforts to make sense of my world were coming up empty. I couldn't fight anymore. I 'm not even sure what I was fighting but the analyzing and rationalizing had worn me out. I gave up the fight. This time is just going to be hard and that will have to be okay. I am not alone. I have a deep trust in God and feel his presence holding me fast. That would have to be enough for now.
I spent the afternoon on the balcony reading a book. I checked on mom periodically. We had dinner on the balcony and mom went to rest before "Murder on the Orient Express" came on at 8. From the street came a call, "Do you want to go for a walk?" It was Laurel from apt 20. I checked on mom and ran down the stairs. We walked downtown along the river and back - a walk I do quite often. But this time I was not alone. We chatted and Laurel reminded me that this was temporary. Ah yes. Perspective. I felt a little less bruised and lonely. Thank you God for showing me your goodness and giving me hope.

Rough Seas

How quickly I moved from "good job, God" to " quit messing with my life again!" It has been a tough week. Mom is slowing down gradually. She spends more time sleeping. My father-in-law had a medical emergency. he spent some time in the ICU but is home now to recuperate. My aunt Liz isn't doing well. When I visited her in June, she didn't look good- seemed sad. The PA has tried changing a few things. She called yesterday to say we are only making things worse. We will go back to the meds she was on and let Liz be for now.
I can't take Shelton a meal. I can't go hug Liz. I can't fix any of these situations. I want to blame God and fuss because He is messing with me. The reality is all of this - cancer, dementia, medical emergencies, loneliness - comes because I live in a broken world filled with disease, loss and pain. I reach out my hand and once again grab the hand of God trusting in His goodness and comfort. I open my eyes and heart to God's presence all around me. I am grateful that Shelton is recovering. I am grateful for the loving care Liz gets at the nursing home. I am grateful for sunshine, blue sky, cardinals, goldfinches and half a Chipotle burrito waiting for me in the refrigerator!
I began this journey meditating on Psalm 86. I read it again this morning and found hope and comfort in David's words.
Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. v.4

Good Job God!

Worship is always a good source of things to ponder! The Lutheran and Congregational churches in Bayport have a combined service fourth of July Sunday down in the park along the river. Unfortunately this year it rained. The service was held at the Lutheran church. I was looking forward to being at the park. I was a bit anxious about going at all as I didn't know how many of the familiar faces from the Congregational church would be there. Lots of people around here have cabins and head to the lake for the weekend! I am used to doing things alone so I jumped in the car. I sat about halfway down - in the middle of the pew. A woman sat down next to me and I immediately asked her if I was in her spot! She smiled and said, "No." Then she recognized me! The couple in front of me also knew my parents. Suddenly I was among friends.
Later in the worship, a guitar player sang a song he had written. I had heard him sing it a few weeks ago - but this time I was flooded with emotion. The song is "Good Job God." How easy it is to slip into negative thoughts and blame God for difficulties and small inconveniences. This song got me thinking of how many times in my life I could have said "good job God." I saw how just that morning God had surrounded me with people who knew my parents helping me to feel at home. My trip to see Emerson, the joy of Emerson's birth, being able to drop everything and be here with my mom, a new bike, a great view of the river, amazing friends back home, a different pace to life that allows for more prayer and reading - the list goes on and on. Good job God! God doesn't need to hear me say those words - I need to hear me say them!! God's goodness is overwhelming and incredible.

Quality of Life

The Hospice nurses and social worker talk about quality of life. The oncologist always told my mom choices now were about quality of life. Quantity is no longer an option - but quality is. But what do they mean? I did some "googling" and found some definitions. Quality of life is personal satisfaction with the cultural or intellectual conditions under which you live ( as distinct from material comfort.) QoL describes physical, psychological and social well-being. It is about comfort and emjoyment. Did you know there is a Quality of Life Research Center at Claremont University?
QoL is different for each person. For my mom it involves wine, dark chocolate, salmon, cheese, and Chocolate Cheerios. It also includes sitting on the balcony watching the boats on the river, checking out what's on public TV and if there's nothing good then popping in a movie and solitaire on the computer. A phone call from one of her children or grandchildren or a chance to Skype and see her great-grandson also add to the quality of her days. It means not having to worry about meals or bills or laundry or errands. It is about enjoying the simple pleasures of each day.
However, this discussion of quality of life need not be limited to those in an end-of-life situation. I found myself wondering how I defined quality of life. I went to my source book, the Bible, for some guidance. God is the giver and sustainer of life. Jesus says he has come to give life that is abundant (John 10:10). In John 17:3, Jesus defines life - it is knowing the only true God and Jesus. The Bible teaches me quality of life is about my relationship with God, growth and transformation in my soul, and living the fruit of the Spirit. In Exodus 30, Moses tells the Israelites the choice is theirs - life and blessing or death and destruction. How do the decisions I make and the actions I take reflect a choice for life, abundant life that is based in my relationship with God?