Many angels and good Samaritans have stopped by in the past few days. I don't know if it because I stopped trying to be in control or if I am receiving help in a new way but I sense a shift. I have continued to try and figure out what it is I am fighting against. For quite some time I have recognized that what I have been taught to value and what God values is different. The discovery of what God values has been and continues to be a surprising journey. The struggle is to let go of my values of performance, accomplishment and busyness and to embrace God's values of relationship and being with. As much as I understand this intellectually, the old value system is deeply ingrained in me. I am struggling to believe that I don't have to be busy and productive to earn God's approval. I recently copied the Westminster Shorter Catechism into my journal. But I changed the words without thinking! I wrote, " The chief end of man is to glorify God and serve Him forever." However the word is enjoy not serve! It was only in rereading my journal that I caught the mistake. That is how deep this work/productivity value is buried in me. I have been trying to make this time with my mom something that I could measure. This is what I did today. I have been making myself crazy and frustrated because my days can't be measured. Because my worth is tied up into all of this, at the end of the day I struggle with being lovable. In my head I know God loves me but this is about a deep knowing that I am loved unconditionally. That is the battle I am trying to give up - to let go of the need to produce, to move from the doing of life deeper into being. I am a slow learner!!
My inspiration: "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." Philippians 3:7-9
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