Emerson

One of my blog readers commented that I had not shared much about my time with Emerson. I think I have been reluctant to reflect on my time in Columbus because I don't know when I will see them again. Usually my life is planned out for months - a trip to Columbus to see Aaron and Andrea, then a trip to see Sara and Jason in Texas, then maybe a trip to Oregon to see my dear friend, Jennifer or something with my sister or family and then the cycle would start over. I always knew when I was coming back. But I have no plans to leave Stillwater now. My daughter will come in late July but I am not sure when I will travel to see her or to see the Boyles' in Columbus. I have let that sadness and uncertainty steal the joy of my time in Columbus.
What was it like? How did it feel? Many friends have told me there is nothing so wonderful as being a grandparent. Being the parent of two compassionate, kind, considerate, loving children is pretty amazing. It was remarkable to be an observer - to watch Aaron and Andrea care for Emerson. I didn't want to interrupt the beauty of their teamwork. Then came a moment when both parents were occupied with other things and Emerson needed an arm. It was my turn. Into my arms came this precious bundle. I was no longer an observer but a part of Emerson's world. I patted, sang, kissed his soft cheeks and took in all of his babyness. I love babies but oh how I love THIS baby. Tears came and thoughts of John and how much he would have loved this moment. I enjoyed every minute with Emerson. I watched bath time, diaper changes, tummy time, and even read him a book! I was amazed at the effort it took to load up the stroller, baby, dog, stuff and the three adults into Andrea's small car to go to the park! I babysat and Aaron and Andrea went out for dinner.
And then it was time to fly back to Minnesota. I had big plans of seeing Emerson often and helping Andrea this fall when Aaron is away for some classes. It has been difficult to let go of those plans and trust God with my relationship with Emerson. Just as this opportunity came to see Emerson, Aaron and Andrea, another will come. I will wait and I will remember how Emerson felt in my arms, his sweet smell and the smiles he had for his mother. And one day I will hold that precious bundle again.

Music

I am reading through Isaiah. In Isaiah 12, the prophet tells the people "in that day" you will sing for joy and praise God. I don't know if Isaiah meant there would be a time without singing. He is telling them a day was coming when they would shout and sing for joy because of what God had done. I am not a great singer but I love to sing! It doesn't take much to move me to song. Even after John's death, music ministered to me. I usually cried and sang - and still find myself in tears when the hymn is one of John's favorites. When i first wrapped my arms around sweet Emerson, I started to sing. A hymn I used to sing to Sara and Aaron bubbled out of me. The words flooded over me and I found myself reminded once again of God's faithfulness and presence.

Day by Day by Karolina Sandell-Berg

"Day by day and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what he deems best;
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Ev'ry day the Lord himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares he fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counselor and Poser.
The protection of his child and treasure,
Is a charge that on himself he laid;
"As your days, your strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me he made.

Help me then in ev'ry tribulation,
So to trust your promises, O Lord;
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,
Offered me within your holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a Father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
till I reach, the best, the promised land.

Today

I feel like a child on Christmas Eve awaiting that longed for bicycle or in my case it was a pair of winter boots that you had to take your shoes off to wear. Not the red, fur topped, zip up boots I had worn as a child but what we called kickereenos - grown up boots that required a shoe bag to put your school shoes in. The anticipation was great and then the joy of opening the gift. Do you remember that feeling?
Today I will experience a long awaited and eagerly anticipated event. I am on my way to Columbus to meet Emerson Davis Boyles, my first grandchild. I knew someday I would meet him but I set aside the longing and wishing because I just didn't know when the opportunity would come. People looked shocked when I told them I hadn't held him yet. I'd answer that my mom needed me and I would meet Emerson when I could. I had seen him on Skype. I managed to convince myself that it was fine - and it was. But today is the day - and I cannot believe it is here and that I will hold him and hug his mom and dad. It is bigger than any Christmas morning I can remember.

Energy

The hospice nurse asks mom how her energy is. Nancy reminds mom that she gets to choose how her energy is expended. There is only so much. I am seeing my role in helping mom with that. As I prepare meals, manage medications, keep her water glass full, do laundry, pay bills, answer the phone, run errands, and take care of the day to day stuff, mom is able to enjoy dinner on the balcony, a visit from a friend, an evening of TV, and whatever else she chooses to do.

I, too, have only so much energy for each day. some of it is expended in grief work - consciously and subconsciously! some is expended walking or riding my bike - somehow that doesn't deplete me but keeps me going!! I am learning to manage my energy better and am enjoying this quieter pace. I have the energy I need to be with mom, laugh with her and enjoy each day.

Last night we were under a tornado watch. We kept the TV on and watched the radar maps. We were ready to head to the garage if needed - figured we'd grab the brownies and a bottle of wine and sit in the car!! Some places were hit pretty hard by the storms. We had some eerie clouds and wind but not much else. It was interesting to watch the sky, listen to the wind and not be rushing off to a meeting or class hoping to dodge the storm.

God makes lemonade!

I am thinking again about struggle and ease. For some reason I had come to believe it was either or. Either the path was dark and full of sorrow and trouble or it was light and strewn with rose petals and delight. Somehow the dark path ended and suddenly I would find myself walking in the light with no more sorrow and trouble. I believe that God brings good from every situation. What I had missed was the good God brings in to every situation. I will look back on this season, this time in Minnesota, at some point and remark on all God did in me. But the blessing, the good isn't only for the future. I am seeing God's goodness and faithfulness every day. It is not either or but both and. The blessings are often unrelated to this journey - just gifts from God reminding me of His love and presence. There is that saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I am discovering God makes the lemonade - I do not have to make sense of or make better or make something good of this - God does it. The lemonade comes with the lemons!
The famine is about to hit Egypt. Joseph, after all his troubles, is second to Pharaoh and preparing for the tough time ahead. He knows tough times but he also knows God's provision. "The second son he named Ephraim and said, 'It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.'" Genesis 41:52
Grateful for God's blessings in the land of my suffering.

Refreshed

Three days in Colorado - one sunny and hot, two cold and rainy but how refreshing the time was! Mom and I flew from Minneapolis to Denver on Wednesday afternoon. I was a bit apprehensive about Mom's health and how she would do. All went smoothly. My sister, Sara, picked up Mom and I rented a car and drove home! Sara and Jason were already at my house. We were gathering for my nephew, Joe's wedding on Saturday. I made the most of my break! We shopped, went out for dinner, played with the dogs and I did a bunch of yard work! My sprinkler system needed some attention. I replaced or raised five heads plus mowed and cleaned up my flower beds. Plus we went to Denver on Friday for dinner and the Rockies game and then back to Denver on Saturday night for the wedding. It was good to be with family - aunt, uncle, cousins, brother, sister, and nieces and nephew. I headed back to Denver Sunday morning to pick up Mom for our flight back to Minnesota. Everything went well. I had been praying that Mom would be strong enough to make the trip and enjoy the wedding. God answered my prayers in a big way. Mom had a great time. I feel refreshed and rejuvenated.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

I am rejoicing in God's faithfulness!

Another rainy day.

I feel a bit like Eeyore - grumbling and complaining and not liking the weather one bit. I just was out in the sunshine yesterday but today I wonder if I will ever see the sun again. Grief is like that. It sucks energy out of me. I have been tired, unmotivated, and looking for ways to escape. Last night I watched my last make-up class for Benet Hill. It was on grief. Wonder why I put that off so long?? I realized what was going on in me. I saw grief upon grief - my dad's death in March, going home and leaving again in May, and now this journey with my mom. On top of that, my Aunt Liz is declining too. I guess I thought I had broad enough shoulders to carry all of this. Today I know I don't. Time for tears, time to be with the sadness and stop running from it, time to begin healing. The rain will stop, the sun will come out and there will be new growth. Praise the God of all comfort!

Lean

I thought this said it all.

Leaning on God by Joyce Rupp

Some people lean against fence posts
when their bodies ache from toil.
Some people lean on oak trees,
seeking cool shade on hot, humid days.

Some people lean on crutches
when their limbs won't work for them;
and some people lean on each other
when their hearts can't stand alone.

How long it takes to lean upon you,
God of shelter and strength;
how long it takes to recognize the truth
of where my inner power has its source.

all my independence, with its arrogance,
stands up and stretches me,
trying to convince my trembling soul
that I can conquer troubles on my own.

But the day of truth always comes
when I finally yield to you,
knowing you are a steady stronghold,
a refuge when times are tough.

Thank you for offering me strength,
for being the oak tree of comfort;
thank you for being the sturdy support
when the limbs of my life are weak.

Praise to you, Eternal Lean-to,
for always being there for me.
Continue to transform me
with the power of your love.

Sunday

It was a great Sunday/sabbath. A blending of the usual two services at the little church into one big music Sunday. First the kids sang, then a husband/wife guitar duo sang a song new to me, then the choir - there are just 8 in it( 4 women and 4 men) but they make an amazing sound!! Be Thou My Vision was my favorite. Psalm 150 wrapped the whole morning - "Praise the Lord". It is good to praise God and to be invited into worship in such a beautiful way.
Then read the paper on the balcony. Mom was quiet and sleeping in - so I hopped on my bike and went for a ride. The sky darkened so I headed back. The thunder began just as I stepped out of the shower. Mom was awake so we watched it rain for awhile. The storm has passed and it is a beautiful evening - watching the changes on the river as the sun goes down. "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord." Grateful for a day that has been refreshing, restorative and filled with rejoicing!

Directions

Once again I find myself searching for the instruction book for this new season of my life! Someone must have written a "how to" on caring for a dying parent living in their home while away from your own home.... If I had that book, I wouldn't need God. Throughout my life, I have looked for manuals and guides on life - read lots of books on marriage, parenting, spirituality, and searched the Bible for the "how to" parts. While they have been helpful, they facilitated my independent, self-reliant way of life. Over time I have heard God's invitation into a relationship with him - to walk with him, to follow, to learn, to let go of my need to have a map clearly marking the route, and to trust. Long ago I memorized Proverbs 3:5+6. It is the verse that speaks into today.

"Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

No manual but One to walk with and learn from who knows the way. Spirit of Truth, open my heart.

Be love.

Mom has okay days and not so good days. She sleeps a lot and when she is awake, I try to get some nourishment down her. We've transitioned from grilled cheese to milkshakes. Her blender must be fifty years old - and works better than any blender I have! Luckily I had hospice drop off a walker - just in case. It arrived Tuesday and we used it right away! She is suddenly unsteady on her feet and the walker is perfect to help her get from her bed to her chair in the living room. The changes are no longer incremental but seem to be these huge leaps from strength to weakness, eating at the table to eating in her chair or in bed, from up a huge part of the day to spending most of the day in bed.
a deep feeling of sadness washes over me. I am often at a loss as to what to do - there is so little I can do. I cannot fix this - but how I long to make it all better. So I sit with her, talk to her, get her whatever food interests her, help her get to bed, and tell her I love her.
It is interesting that as I have struggled to "be" with God and not be so focused on "doing" for God, now God is showing me how much He values "being". I have always thought life was about doing. God is teaching me how to be - with Him and with others.
One of the couples who have travelled with my mom and dad came by yesterday. They shared with Mom their delight in all of the trips they had been on. They couldn't decide if it had been the places they had been or who they had been with that was what gave them the greatest joy.
When answering the question about the most important commandment, Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind and strength. AND love your neighbor as yourself." While love is an action, I am learning that love is something we are - just by listening or sitting with or holding a hand. Be love.

Held

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; for I will help you."" Isaiah 41:13

God continues to remind me that He is with me. Did I know He had taken hold of my hand? What does it look and feel like to live with the awareness that God is holding my hand? Even before I cried out for help, God was holding my hand.

"This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held" Natalie Grant

Wanting to know in my soul that I am held and to hear God say to me, "Do not fear; I will help you." Wanting to trust in God's day to day provision and to walk hand in hand with Him.