Back in Minnesota

I don't know how many times I have driven from Colorado Springs to Stillwater. Quite a few over the past 35 years. Lots of things have changed. Gas is way more expensive. There are more motels and fast food places along the route. There are lots of semi's on the road. Last night as I pushed on to Des Moines - it was me, the semi's and the bugs heading east as the sun set.
The continental breakfast at the motel was not too grand. I hit the road planning on an early lunch stop. As I headed north, memories washed over me of all the drives. I was often behind the wheel for the Lincoln to northern Iowa stretch in the late night/wee hours of the morning. In November of 1983 we hit some bad weather in Iowa. I followed the semi's figuring as long as they thought it was safe to drive I was okay. When they started pulling off, I woke John up to see what we should do. We pulled of I 35 at exit 165 near Hampton Iowa. The front of the car was coated with ice. We went into the "truck stop" to get some de-icer and found a little restaurant. After some eggs and pancakes, we got the ice off the car and finished our drive to Stillwater. That was the first of many stops at Dudley's Corner. Great coffee and pancakes. We timed our departure from Colorado Springs to arrive at Dudley's for breakfast!! I stopped today for coffee, pancakes and eggs - maybe for the last time. I sat with all my memories. Summer trips, winter trips - heading to see Ami and Poppa. Looking forward to the pool, the woods, and to some memorable meals. Then I reminisced over 32 great years - I married John on August 26, 1978. It has been a remarkable time - full of fun, wonder, excitement, love and yes , sorrow. I am overwhelmed by all of the blessings, the great memories, the good times. I feel fortunate to have lived so full a life and look forward to the days ahead. Good job, God!

Clock and Chaos and Confusion

It has been awhile since I have written anything. Last Thursday evening I noticed the grandfather clock had stopped. I have been careful to wind it regularly and keep it chiming the hours. It is a comforting sound once you get used to it! It had stopped at 8:30 and it is easier to start it again at the same time so I planned to restart Friday morning. It was sometime on Saturday when I finally got to the clock. Thursday night I was on my own with mom and really had trouble changing her and putting dry sheets back on the bed. Friday morning I was up early to get her cleaned up and ready as her college roommate was coming to see her. After 45 minutes of struggling with wet sheets, wet pajamas and trying to get mom dry and repositioned, I dissolved into tears. This part of care giving was going to be my downfall. I quickly called the Hospice line for help. Barb the aid was there within 30 minutes. I helped her change the sheets, reposition mom and brought her what she needed as she bathed mom. I found a tee shirt I could cut up the back and before long mom was resting comfortably in her bed. I was instructed to reposition her every 20 or so minutes. Even that proved to be a challenge for me. After her friend from Carleton left. I turned mom onto her right side so she could look at a beautiful flower arrangement that had just come. She opened her eyes and smiled. Another friend came by to visit her. He and I chatted briefly and he went back into mom's room to say goodbye. He came right back to get me and by the time I got into mom's room, she had taken her last breath. After a few words and kisses, once again I dissolved into tears. Life is a blur since that moment. My sister arrived on Sunday and we started cleaning out. I had thought there would be some time to process all of this but that will have to wait because there is work to be done. Closets to clean, bowls, baskets, and books to find homes for, artwork to find new walls for and so much stuff to sort through. The condo will be sold and the sooner we get it ready to be listed the better. So life is spinning around me and I am weary and confused, waiting for those quiet moments when I can reflect on the last five months.

Change

Just when I posted "A Typical Day" everything changed!! Part of the change was the arrival of my daughter Sara for a week. I have thoroughly enjoyed her company. We checked out the craziness of Lumberjack Days in downtown Stillwater. we watched the lumberjack demonstration and caught the parade on sunday afternoon. We watched the fireworks on Sunday night with mom sitting on the balcony of the condo. It has been wonderful to have someone to do things with as well as help with mom. There has been alot of change in mom. Friday was her last day where she was really attentive. Monday we started using the wheelchair to move her from place to place. She no longer has the strength to use her walker. She has stopped eating and drinks just a little. She wants to do things for herself and gets frustrated when she can't. So I ask what she needs and then I wait until she is ready to get to the bathroom or go from the hospital bed in the living room back to her bedroom. It is exhausting. I have a few people I can call when I need a break but for now will postpone the walking and yoga. I have a strong sense of God's presence and encouragement during this difficult time. He will give me the patience, wisdom, energy and compassion I need for each day.

A Typical Day

An average day around here - although there aren't any average days!!
I get up around 6:30 and put on my tennies, grab my IPod and walk the steps!!
When I return, I check on mom and see if she needs breakfast, water, etc.
A few pushups, situps and some stretching and then a shower!
Check on mom again - morning pills, water, and sometimes a cinnamon roll. She loves these mini-rolls from Kowalski's.
Breakfast for me and quiet time - read my Bible, devotionals, prayer, jouranl, as much as time allows!!
Check on mom - she is usually napping but may need her dish of Chocolate Cheerios refilled. she goes through a box every four days!!
I read - the paper, books, whatever is around!!
Lunch - used to be in the dining room or living room but mom is having lunch in bed now, so I get her whatever she wants and I eat on the balcony if it isn't too hot.
Sometimes I run to the store or to the farmer's market , otherwise I read or catch up on email!
5:00 - time for the news. If mom is feeling good she comes out to her chair and has a glass of wine and some cheese and crackers while we watch the news. I put together something for dinner - not much as mom isn't a big eater.
We have dinner on the balcony and watch for the paddlewheelers to go by. Then mom is ready for a rest in her bed.
I get her up to watch TV or a movie - we watched "My Fair Lady" last night. It is her favorite movie. It is a long one!! I get her to take her pills while she is up.
Then off to bed.
The only variations are when a nurse comes to visit or the aid Barb comes on Mondays for a shower. Thursdays I go to the women's group at church and Sundays I go to church. I sneak away for yoga or walks downtown when I can. I found a wonderful path through a ravine right in town yesterday that connects with a path around a small lake. Lots of discovering to do in this small town!
If your life is a bit hectic, you are welcome to come for a visit and slow down with me!

Just Living

On Thursday mornings, I join a group of women from the church for a time of fellowship. We meet at a park right next to the gardens and labyrinth that belong to the church. We begin by sharing how our week has been. we hear about travels, weekends at the cabin, visits from friends and family, good days and bad days. It is a time where we can honestly share what is going on in us. These women are a BIG blessing in my life. They listen encourage, share themselves with me and allow me a place where I can be real. One of the women no longer drives and is slowing down quite a bit. Her daughter has brought her several times this summer. They arrive after we have started. (It must take more time to get up and ready. I can appreciate that.) this woman doesn't want to interrupt and waits until we get to the devotional part. Last week we insisted that she "check in". she wasn't sure what we were asking. I asked, "so how was your week? What have you been doing?" Her eyes smiled at me as she answered, "Just living." I looked at the grass, trees and flowers around me and let her words sink in. The conversation continued. I was still wondering about "just living". It is reality - focusing on the now, using energy to just live each day. The temptation for me is to want more - more for her, more for my mom, more for me - more than my daily bread, for life to be more, bigger, somehow different than this quiet, living in the moment, "just living" I am doing with my mom. I am seeking the contentment of "just living".

The Fight

Many angels and good Samaritans have stopped by in the past few days. I don't know if it because I stopped trying to be in control or if I am receiving help in a new way but I sense a shift. I have continued to try and figure out what it is I am fighting against. For quite some time I have recognized that what I have been taught to value and what God values is different. The discovery of what God values has been and continues to be a surprising journey. The struggle is to let go of my values of performance, accomplishment and busyness and to embrace God's values of relationship and being with. As much as I understand this intellectually, the old value system is deeply ingrained in me. I am struggling to believe that I don't have to be busy and productive to earn God's approval. I recently copied the Westminster Shorter Catechism into my journal. But I changed the words without thinking! I wrote, " The chief end of man is to glorify God and serve Him forever." However the word is enjoy not serve! It was only in rereading my journal that I caught the mistake. That is how deep this work/productivity value is buried in me. I have been trying to make this time with my mom something that I could measure. This is what I did today. I have been making myself crazy and frustrated because my days can't be measured. Because my worth is tied up into all of this, at the end of the day I struggle with being lovable. In my head I know God loves me but this is about a deep knowing that I am loved unconditionally. That is the battle I am trying to give up - to let go of the need to produce, to move from the doing of life deeper into being. I am a slow learner!!
My inspiration: "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." Philippians 3:7-9

Weary

Before I enter my journal from today - remember this is my journal. It is raw and honest about what is going on and how I am feeling. I am okay and secure in the arms of my loving God.

I give up. Uncle. Enough. The struggles of the week, four months away from home, the loneliness, self doubt, and frustrations were too much to carry. The Good Samaritan. That's what I need. I am bruised and broken left in a ditch to die. Where is the help? But could I leave it there and just wait for help. No. I began to overanalyze why I found myself in this predicament. I wondered what I was doing wrong that no help seemed to come my way. Maybe I had misunderstood God in the first place. The doubt crept in. I was too tired and lonely to really care anymore. All my efforts to make sense of my world were coming up empty. I couldn't fight anymore. I 'm not even sure what I was fighting but the analyzing and rationalizing had worn me out. I gave up the fight. This time is just going to be hard and that will have to be okay. I am not alone. I have a deep trust in God and feel his presence holding me fast. That would have to be enough for now.
I spent the afternoon on the balcony reading a book. I checked on mom periodically. We had dinner on the balcony and mom went to rest before "Murder on the Orient Express" came on at 8. From the street came a call, "Do you want to go for a walk?" It was Laurel from apt 20. I checked on mom and ran down the stairs. We walked downtown along the river and back - a walk I do quite often. But this time I was not alone. We chatted and Laurel reminded me that this was temporary. Ah yes. Perspective. I felt a little less bruised and lonely. Thank you God for showing me your goodness and giving me hope.

Rough Seas

How quickly I moved from "good job, God" to " quit messing with my life again!" It has been a tough week. Mom is slowing down gradually. She spends more time sleeping. My father-in-law had a medical emergency. he spent some time in the ICU but is home now to recuperate. My aunt Liz isn't doing well. When I visited her in June, she didn't look good- seemed sad. The PA has tried changing a few things. She called yesterday to say we are only making things worse. We will go back to the meds she was on and let Liz be for now.
I can't take Shelton a meal. I can't go hug Liz. I can't fix any of these situations. I want to blame God and fuss because He is messing with me. The reality is all of this - cancer, dementia, medical emergencies, loneliness - comes because I live in a broken world filled with disease, loss and pain. I reach out my hand and once again grab the hand of God trusting in His goodness and comfort. I open my eyes and heart to God's presence all around me. I am grateful that Shelton is recovering. I am grateful for the loving care Liz gets at the nursing home. I am grateful for sunshine, blue sky, cardinals, goldfinches and half a Chipotle burrito waiting for me in the refrigerator!
I began this journey meditating on Psalm 86. I read it again this morning and found hope and comfort in David's words.
Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. v.4

Good Job God!

Worship is always a good source of things to ponder! The Lutheran and Congregational churches in Bayport have a combined service fourth of July Sunday down in the park along the river. Unfortunately this year it rained. The service was held at the Lutheran church. I was looking forward to being at the park. I was a bit anxious about going at all as I didn't know how many of the familiar faces from the Congregational church would be there. Lots of people around here have cabins and head to the lake for the weekend! I am used to doing things alone so I jumped in the car. I sat about halfway down - in the middle of the pew. A woman sat down next to me and I immediately asked her if I was in her spot! She smiled and said, "No." Then she recognized me! The couple in front of me also knew my parents. Suddenly I was among friends.
Later in the worship, a guitar player sang a song he had written. I had heard him sing it a few weeks ago - but this time I was flooded with emotion. The song is "Good Job God." How easy it is to slip into negative thoughts and blame God for difficulties and small inconveniences. This song got me thinking of how many times in my life I could have said "good job God." I saw how just that morning God had surrounded me with people who knew my parents helping me to feel at home. My trip to see Emerson, the joy of Emerson's birth, being able to drop everything and be here with my mom, a new bike, a great view of the river, amazing friends back home, a different pace to life that allows for more prayer and reading - the list goes on and on. Good job God! God doesn't need to hear me say those words - I need to hear me say them!! God's goodness is overwhelming and incredible.

Quality of Life

The Hospice nurses and social worker talk about quality of life. The oncologist always told my mom choices now were about quality of life. Quantity is no longer an option - but quality is. But what do they mean? I did some "googling" and found some definitions. Quality of life is personal satisfaction with the cultural or intellectual conditions under which you live ( as distinct from material comfort.) QoL describes physical, psychological and social well-being. It is about comfort and emjoyment. Did you know there is a Quality of Life Research Center at Claremont University?
QoL is different for each person. For my mom it involves wine, dark chocolate, salmon, cheese, and Chocolate Cheerios. It also includes sitting on the balcony watching the boats on the river, checking out what's on public TV and if there's nothing good then popping in a movie and solitaire on the computer. A phone call from one of her children or grandchildren or a chance to Skype and see her great-grandson also add to the quality of her days. It means not having to worry about meals or bills or laundry or errands. It is about enjoying the simple pleasures of each day.
However, this discussion of quality of life need not be limited to those in an end-of-life situation. I found myself wondering how I defined quality of life. I went to my source book, the Bible, for some guidance. God is the giver and sustainer of life. Jesus says he has come to give life that is abundant (John 10:10). In John 17:3, Jesus defines life - it is knowing the only true God and Jesus. The Bible teaches me quality of life is about my relationship with God, growth and transformation in my soul, and living the fruit of the Spirit. In Exodus 30, Moses tells the Israelites the choice is theirs - life and blessing or death and destruction. How do the decisions I make and the actions I take reflect a choice for life, abundant life that is based in my relationship with God?

Emerson

One of my blog readers commented that I had not shared much about my time with Emerson. I think I have been reluctant to reflect on my time in Columbus because I don't know when I will see them again. Usually my life is planned out for months - a trip to Columbus to see Aaron and Andrea, then a trip to see Sara and Jason in Texas, then maybe a trip to Oregon to see my dear friend, Jennifer or something with my sister or family and then the cycle would start over. I always knew when I was coming back. But I have no plans to leave Stillwater now. My daughter will come in late July but I am not sure when I will travel to see her or to see the Boyles' in Columbus. I have let that sadness and uncertainty steal the joy of my time in Columbus.
What was it like? How did it feel? Many friends have told me there is nothing so wonderful as being a grandparent. Being the parent of two compassionate, kind, considerate, loving children is pretty amazing. It was remarkable to be an observer - to watch Aaron and Andrea care for Emerson. I didn't want to interrupt the beauty of their teamwork. Then came a moment when both parents were occupied with other things and Emerson needed an arm. It was my turn. Into my arms came this precious bundle. I was no longer an observer but a part of Emerson's world. I patted, sang, kissed his soft cheeks and took in all of his babyness. I love babies but oh how I love THIS baby. Tears came and thoughts of John and how much he would have loved this moment. I enjoyed every minute with Emerson. I watched bath time, diaper changes, tummy time, and even read him a book! I was amazed at the effort it took to load up the stroller, baby, dog, stuff and the three adults into Andrea's small car to go to the park! I babysat and Aaron and Andrea went out for dinner.
And then it was time to fly back to Minnesota. I had big plans of seeing Emerson often and helping Andrea this fall when Aaron is away for some classes. It has been difficult to let go of those plans and trust God with my relationship with Emerson. Just as this opportunity came to see Emerson, Aaron and Andrea, another will come. I will wait and I will remember how Emerson felt in my arms, his sweet smell and the smiles he had for his mother. And one day I will hold that precious bundle again.

Music

I am reading through Isaiah. In Isaiah 12, the prophet tells the people "in that day" you will sing for joy and praise God. I don't know if Isaiah meant there would be a time without singing. He is telling them a day was coming when they would shout and sing for joy because of what God had done. I am not a great singer but I love to sing! It doesn't take much to move me to song. Even after John's death, music ministered to me. I usually cried and sang - and still find myself in tears when the hymn is one of John's favorites. When i first wrapped my arms around sweet Emerson, I started to sing. A hymn I used to sing to Sara and Aaron bubbled out of me. The words flooded over me and I found myself reminded once again of God's faithfulness and presence.

Day by Day by Karolina Sandell-Berg

"Day by day and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what he deems best;
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Ev'ry day the Lord himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares he fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counselor and Poser.
The protection of his child and treasure,
Is a charge that on himself he laid;
"As your days, your strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me he made.

Help me then in ev'ry tribulation,
So to trust your promises, O Lord;
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,
Offered me within your holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a Father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
till I reach, the best, the promised land.

Today

I feel like a child on Christmas Eve awaiting that longed for bicycle or in my case it was a pair of winter boots that you had to take your shoes off to wear. Not the red, fur topped, zip up boots I had worn as a child but what we called kickereenos - grown up boots that required a shoe bag to put your school shoes in. The anticipation was great and then the joy of opening the gift. Do you remember that feeling?
Today I will experience a long awaited and eagerly anticipated event. I am on my way to Columbus to meet Emerson Davis Boyles, my first grandchild. I knew someday I would meet him but I set aside the longing and wishing because I just didn't know when the opportunity would come. People looked shocked when I told them I hadn't held him yet. I'd answer that my mom needed me and I would meet Emerson when I could. I had seen him on Skype. I managed to convince myself that it was fine - and it was. But today is the day - and I cannot believe it is here and that I will hold him and hug his mom and dad. It is bigger than any Christmas morning I can remember.

Energy

The hospice nurse asks mom how her energy is. Nancy reminds mom that she gets to choose how her energy is expended. There is only so much. I am seeing my role in helping mom with that. As I prepare meals, manage medications, keep her water glass full, do laundry, pay bills, answer the phone, run errands, and take care of the day to day stuff, mom is able to enjoy dinner on the balcony, a visit from a friend, an evening of TV, and whatever else she chooses to do.

I, too, have only so much energy for each day. some of it is expended in grief work - consciously and subconsciously! some is expended walking or riding my bike - somehow that doesn't deplete me but keeps me going!! I am learning to manage my energy better and am enjoying this quieter pace. I have the energy I need to be with mom, laugh with her and enjoy each day.

Last night we were under a tornado watch. We kept the TV on and watched the radar maps. We were ready to head to the garage if needed - figured we'd grab the brownies and a bottle of wine and sit in the car!! Some places were hit pretty hard by the storms. We had some eerie clouds and wind but not much else. It was interesting to watch the sky, listen to the wind and not be rushing off to a meeting or class hoping to dodge the storm.

God makes lemonade!

I am thinking again about struggle and ease. For some reason I had come to believe it was either or. Either the path was dark and full of sorrow and trouble or it was light and strewn with rose petals and delight. Somehow the dark path ended and suddenly I would find myself walking in the light with no more sorrow and trouble. I believe that God brings good from every situation. What I had missed was the good God brings in to every situation. I will look back on this season, this time in Minnesota, at some point and remark on all God did in me. But the blessing, the good isn't only for the future. I am seeing God's goodness and faithfulness every day. It is not either or but both and. The blessings are often unrelated to this journey - just gifts from God reminding me of His love and presence. There is that saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I am discovering God makes the lemonade - I do not have to make sense of or make better or make something good of this - God does it. The lemonade comes with the lemons!
The famine is about to hit Egypt. Joseph, after all his troubles, is second to Pharaoh and preparing for the tough time ahead. He knows tough times but he also knows God's provision. "The second son he named Ephraim and said, 'It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.'" Genesis 41:52
Grateful for God's blessings in the land of my suffering.

Refreshed

Three days in Colorado - one sunny and hot, two cold and rainy but how refreshing the time was! Mom and I flew from Minneapolis to Denver on Wednesday afternoon. I was a bit apprehensive about Mom's health and how she would do. All went smoothly. My sister, Sara, picked up Mom and I rented a car and drove home! Sara and Jason were already at my house. We were gathering for my nephew, Joe's wedding on Saturday. I made the most of my break! We shopped, went out for dinner, played with the dogs and I did a bunch of yard work! My sprinkler system needed some attention. I replaced or raised five heads plus mowed and cleaned up my flower beds. Plus we went to Denver on Friday for dinner and the Rockies game and then back to Denver on Saturday night for the wedding. It was good to be with family - aunt, uncle, cousins, brother, sister, and nieces and nephew. I headed back to Denver Sunday morning to pick up Mom for our flight back to Minnesota. Everything went well. I had been praying that Mom would be strong enough to make the trip and enjoy the wedding. God answered my prayers in a big way. Mom had a great time. I feel refreshed and rejuvenated.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

I am rejoicing in God's faithfulness!

Another rainy day.

I feel a bit like Eeyore - grumbling and complaining and not liking the weather one bit. I just was out in the sunshine yesterday but today I wonder if I will ever see the sun again. Grief is like that. It sucks energy out of me. I have been tired, unmotivated, and looking for ways to escape. Last night I watched my last make-up class for Benet Hill. It was on grief. Wonder why I put that off so long?? I realized what was going on in me. I saw grief upon grief - my dad's death in March, going home and leaving again in May, and now this journey with my mom. On top of that, my Aunt Liz is declining too. I guess I thought I had broad enough shoulders to carry all of this. Today I know I don't. Time for tears, time to be with the sadness and stop running from it, time to begin healing. The rain will stop, the sun will come out and there will be new growth. Praise the God of all comfort!

Lean

I thought this said it all.

Leaning on God by Joyce Rupp

Some people lean against fence posts
when their bodies ache from toil.
Some people lean on oak trees,
seeking cool shade on hot, humid days.

Some people lean on crutches
when their limbs won't work for them;
and some people lean on each other
when their hearts can't stand alone.

How long it takes to lean upon you,
God of shelter and strength;
how long it takes to recognize the truth
of where my inner power has its source.

all my independence, with its arrogance,
stands up and stretches me,
trying to convince my trembling soul
that I can conquer troubles on my own.

But the day of truth always comes
when I finally yield to you,
knowing you are a steady stronghold,
a refuge when times are tough.

Thank you for offering me strength,
for being the oak tree of comfort;
thank you for being the sturdy support
when the limbs of my life are weak.

Praise to you, Eternal Lean-to,
for always being there for me.
Continue to transform me
with the power of your love.

Sunday

It was a great Sunday/sabbath. A blending of the usual two services at the little church into one big music Sunday. First the kids sang, then a husband/wife guitar duo sang a song new to me, then the choir - there are just 8 in it( 4 women and 4 men) but they make an amazing sound!! Be Thou My Vision was my favorite. Psalm 150 wrapped the whole morning - "Praise the Lord". It is good to praise God and to be invited into worship in such a beautiful way.
Then read the paper on the balcony. Mom was quiet and sleeping in - so I hopped on my bike and went for a ride. The sky darkened so I headed back. The thunder began just as I stepped out of the shower. Mom was awake so we watched it rain for awhile. The storm has passed and it is a beautiful evening - watching the changes on the river as the sun goes down. "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord." Grateful for a day that has been refreshing, restorative and filled with rejoicing!

Directions

Once again I find myself searching for the instruction book for this new season of my life! Someone must have written a "how to" on caring for a dying parent living in their home while away from your own home.... If I had that book, I wouldn't need God. Throughout my life, I have looked for manuals and guides on life - read lots of books on marriage, parenting, spirituality, and searched the Bible for the "how to" parts. While they have been helpful, they facilitated my independent, self-reliant way of life. Over time I have heard God's invitation into a relationship with him - to walk with him, to follow, to learn, to let go of my need to have a map clearly marking the route, and to trust. Long ago I memorized Proverbs 3:5+6. It is the verse that speaks into today.

"Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

No manual but One to walk with and learn from who knows the way. Spirit of Truth, open my heart.

Be love.

Mom has okay days and not so good days. She sleeps a lot and when she is awake, I try to get some nourishment down her. We've transitioned from grilled cheese to milkshakes. Her blender must be fifty years old - and works better than any blender I have! Luckily I had hospice drop off a walker - just in case. It arrived Tuesday and we used it right away! She is suddenly unsteady on her feet and the walker is perfect to help her get from her bed to her chair in the living room. The changes are no longer incremental but seem to be these huge leaps from strength to weakness, eating at the table to eating in her chair or in bed, from up a huge part of the day to spending most of the day in bed.
a deep feeling of sadness washes over me. I am often at a loss as to what to do - there is so little I can do. I cannot fix this - but how I long to make it all better. So I sit with her, talk to her, get her whatever food interests her, help her get to bed, and tell her I love her.
It is interesting that as I have struggled to "be" with God and not be so focused on "doing" for God, now God is showing me how much He values "being". I have always thought life was about doing. God is teaching me how to be - with Him and with others.
One of the couples who have travelled with my mom and dad came by yesterday. They shared with Mom their delight in all of the trips they had been on. They couldn't decide if it had been the places they had been or who they had been with that was what gave them the greatest joy.
When answering the question about the most important commandment, Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind and strength. AND love your neighbor as yourself." While love is an action, I am learning that love is something we are - just by listening or sitting with or holding a hand. Be love.

Held

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; for I will help you."" Isaiah 41:13

God continues to remind me that He is with me. Did I know He had taken hold of my hand? What does it look and feel like to live with the awareness that God is holding my hand? Even before I cried out for help, God was holding my hand.

"This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held" Natalie Grant

Wanting to know in my soul that I am held and to hear God say to me, "Do not fear; I will help you." Wanting to trust in God's day to day provision and to walk hand in hand with Him.

Hope and Suffering

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces endurance, endurance character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:2b-5
Hope and suffering - so connected. It is interesting that Paul does not link suffering and blessing. I have been taught that if you work hard and sacrifice, good will come to you; after you have suffered you will be blessed. But Paul says nothing about good, pointing out the progression of growth into hope - hope of an eternity spent with God. It just isn't about the stuff of this world.
I would like to rejoice in my sufferings knowing the growth they bring - someday....

Today at church we remembered those who had given their lives for this country. We also remembered those members of the church who had died in the past year. There were three - after each name was read, the church bell rang. My dad's was the last name read. then we could come to the front and light a candle remembering a loved one who had died. I haven't had many opportunities to grieve my dad. It was good to sit with his death, miss him, remember him, and hear the bell ring.

God owes me

"God owes me" - those words in a devotional struck me this morning. Do I think God owes me? Last year was a particularly challenging year for me. The death of my mother-in-law in October 2008 reopened some deep wounds. I had done a lot of grief work but this was different. The response was physical. My body was telling me there was more work to do. I wrestled with God in some deep places, asked hard questions, sat with God seeking his face and presence in all of the pain. I finally found peace and acceptance of my story. I discovered rationalizing and surrendering are two different things. It was as I surrendered to God that the losses and sorrows did not need to make sense. It was difficult and exhausting work. On January 1, 2010, I was relieved to begin a new year. I was looking forward to some ease and a break from the hard work of the past few years. "God owed me." I didn't use those exact words but set before God my idea of the ideal year. I wanted my prayers answered, life to be smooth, houses to sell, cars to run, jobs for those who needed them, healing for the sick, no more crazy stock market stuff - just one year of no struggles, no hassles, no pain. In my naivete, I thought that would be good for me. I needed a rest.
But the year has not gone as wished. I forgot Jesus' words to his disciples, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" (Jn 16:33) I have let go of my dream of a trouble free year - with some reluctance. I am holding on to the One who promises to be with me and love me forever. Emmanuel.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus; look full in his wonderful face; and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.

The struggles and troubles are all around me - I am just looking at all of it differently.

Help!

Psalm 77:1-2
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.

In the dark of the night, the psalmist wonders has God vanished? Has God rejected me? Has God forgotten? In the dark, it is easy fro me to wonder where God is and if he has abandonned me. The psalmist thinks back and remembers how God has acted in the past. I remember God's faithfulness, love and His never failing presence. Often it is music that triggers the remembering. I listen to my favorite Christian songs as I walk each morning and am reminded of who God is and of His love and faithfulness. The dark fades and the dawn of light brings hope and a new sense of God's presence.

Help has come in many ways:
a nurse at the Dr's office who heard the concern in my voice
the Dr who suggested help from hospice
a late night text letting me know a friend is praying
coffee with my Minnesota pastor
this blog that allows us to link arms and journey together as we share our stories
cooler weather and less humidity!
God hears me and is quick to answer my cry for help. I am thankful for how He has used each of you to lift my spirits and bring me hope.

May 24, 2010

Confusion
I think if there weren't so many parts and pieces to this, I might not feel so overwhelmed. My mom gets so confused. I am not sure what is grief, what is cancer, what is dementia and even what else might be going on. She gets very anxious and that doesn't help. I just want to know how to help but it is hard when I am not even sure what will help.

"Hear me, Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy." Ps 86:1
I cannot remember when I have felt so needy - not sure what to do, not even sure what I need let alone what my mom needs.

"Bring joy to your servant, O Lord, I lift up my soul." Ps 86:4
Yes, help me find joy in the midst of this difficult time. Help me to be aware of your presence, your love, your grace.

"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;" Ps 86:11
I don't know the way through this and am relying on God to show me the way. I just am so used to having a map and being in control. This day to day trusting is unsettling!!

May 23, 2010

I am not a writer. I process life verbally. I talk and talk and as I talk, life makes sense. So how is it I find myself far from those I talk with over coffee or a beer, sitting alone with pen and journal? What is God up to? That seems to be the question of the day - everyday. I have no answer. I am walking a path I have never walked before. I do not know what each day with my mom will bring. As much as I have been seeking to walk hand in hand with God, I have let these challenging circumstances distance me from God. God is out there doing stuff and I am here trying to figure out what He is doing. time to stop analyzing and trying to "fix" things and get back in step with God.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10